Rants..

Alot of stuff happened this week. Moved by so fast that im really frightened by the intensity and seriousness of it. Im sort of like at the crossroads once again u know in the last 2 months
till now. I want to have a goal again in life, a purpose that i can work to and have been moping around, feeling depressed, cos everyone seems to be working hard towards their goals and i felt like a lump of sh*t lazing around, teaching in the music school without seeing myself doing that in the future(v unpromising environment with all the snobby parents, spoilt kids who whine at the slightest things, and parents will in turn whine to the boss, who in turn will whine at me, the poor teacher aka slave of the music school), cooping myself up at home. And its at this very confusing, unhappy period of life that he chose to walk out. Of cos i cried, ached at the memories of the r/s..i still do when i walk past places, or see stuffs that reminds me of what we had shared. Im really disappointed that feelings can change so quickly..and my self-esteem too dipped real low. Am i not good enough? Am I that detestable? No discussions or whatsoever, one fine day, just BAM the news on me.Are feelings really that fickle as to simply change over a few months? What is love? I still cant get over it..i still miss him, theres this empty gap in my life tt he used to fill..the movies, the silly antics, the love tt we shared..whenever im alone i just feel like crying.

Okay...this tuesday, i went for this interview at swissotel for the position of guest relations officer at their amiritaspa. My friend is working there..and she, though tired seems to pretty enjoy her work, which i think shld be the way..and im pretty attracted by the environment..and..the manager seems pretty impressed by the interview as she told me tt for my age i sound very confident. I find it pretty weird because the recent spade of events already took my confidence and any happy feelings away from me u know..lost love, lost sense of direction in life, felt useless..well..i got the job..=) i guess that did boost my confidence a tiny bit..gg to sign letter of appoinment next wednesday and orientation for new staffs starts on the 6th august. I really do think that my future aint gonna be sitting in the lightless room in themusic school teaching and coaxing kids to be good, smiling at parents who think they own the school just because they pay school fees. I love teaching,..but i prefer quality teaching..not mass teaching..im pretty burnt out. I darent say tt i will not go back to teaching in the future but im definately going to give this new job a try..and upgrade myself by gg for degree rlelated hospitality courses if i really do like this job. Okay, im a chameleon..but tts what i am..if i stick to something tt i dont like..i think i'll rather die..yup. I still harbour hopes of finding something i'll really like to do. So hopefully thats it.

Next major thing..i sent in my pictures to apply for model/events/roadshow jobs and landed myself in one.. i still cant believe it..because..the girls there are really gorgeous, street-wise, clubbing kind of girls..those that guys will prob fall over their feet to get to know them. Loud and attention grabbing with their tube tops, thick-cake like foundations, i felt like a sore thumb sticking out can. I still dont understand y the events guy shortlisted me cannnn. We are supposed to promote this passioncard for the pap at raffles place, chevron house, the open grass patch there. This coming Mon to Fri, every day we don different costumes, from chefs to french maids to thai/korean dancers to belly dancers, to aerobics, sporty girls. The money is what attracted me..140 bucks for 7 hrs of work, 1030 to 630 with an hour of break.5 days. Good money eh? Hopefully i will be able to mix, not tt well..but well enough to get me thru the days. I must be more san ba can, more talkative, think faster, and not give a blank stare everytime. I find tt i already detest and hate this trait in me. i hate it. hate it. In the briefing that the pap marketing manager gave, the girls who apprently are models and know each other were chatting cherrily and san-ba-ing around..and i found myself missing that certain someone terribly.Sigh. hopeless. Such a useless girl.