Forever Dreaming.

I screwed up BIG TIME. Yep, talking about the competition at ARK. The countless times of my attempted brainwashing didn't succeed, my stage fright virus was just too hard to combat with, however hard i try. Why is it that i dun get stage fright in my countless dance performances? or even with my violin performances. I guess i view singing in front of total strangers as something tts different from dance and violin, and i FREAKED OUT.

7pm at ARK...what i did unconsciously-->
drank astonishingly huge amounts of warm water provided by ARK.

what i couldn't control myself from doing--->
--> knees shaking
--> dry throat
--> aimless talking
--> getting worried as ourr turn to sing was getting nearer, we were number 7 in e total number of 12 grps.

guess this is what u call extreme stage phobia.

Guess what? e worst happened, Yuhua sang e lst part of nu ren shuo beautifully, then...when i open my mouth to sing, wat i heard was a dry, trembling mousey voice struggling with the upbeat music, and i suspect my voice cracked somewhere in e middle of e verse!! omigod...what is coming over me? i faint. I tried again, opened my mouth wider, but the volume of my voice did not increase, and it went out of tune!!!!! when theres a part where the melody turns upwards into a falsetto... i can swear that i have heard this miserable kind of voice in e failures of Singapore IDOL, faintz, maybe this is why so many of them are so horrible sounding, due to stage fright. I dun even recall having a horrible voice like tt, its like i've been possessed, sighz.
Finalli e nightmare ended...applause greeted my miserable performance, well think all e applause was Yuhua's credit, think she don't have problems singing in front of strangers.

I was so damn upset, tts not even my voice, my mind was screaming...i don't want people to remember me with that voice! no way! Was in a daze...then suddenly i just felt so miserable...all my efforts practising in e nights after work...getting scolded by mom for disturbling e dead as a result...ALL EFFORTS DOWN THE DRAIN, cos of wat??? my damn.... spastic....ridiculous stage fright...when i have ample stage experiences. I comforted myself "No lah...this is my lst time singing in a competition....i will get better as i go along.....go halls to sing so tt i can get over this phobia....shouldn be afraid to express my voice in front of people...slowly....."

As expected we didn get in...all thanks to me lor :X
Half of e 12 grps got in...we didnt even get in....cos of me....and i could have swore that i sang better then most of the gals....when offstage...so miserable...was oblivious to Yuhua's chatter and questions, yup, she knows tt i was down in e dumps already..

Said goodbye to them ...they went off for a freelance project...raining and cold, it was e perfect compliment to my mood...was nearing chinatown point when i felt realli bad...had to pour my heart out to someone at least...stupid cousin didn't reply my sms till much later...i called my mom and told her that i did not get in...tears gushed out so did all my disappointment, unfullfilled performance expectations, indignant-nity of my unexplained failure, as my mom comforted me, my sobs got louder..and i was standing in front of swensen's outside chinatown point, think i attracted lots of curious looks by passerbys...they must think tt i'm some kinda loony sobbing over some messed up relationship over e phone, think i realli looked e part lor! Guess i just cannot bring myself to express my emotions in front of even my close friends...my "stoned" or "cheery" mask would be always on, its inborn and partly cos of e way pple are brought up, just like some pple said. Hey! this is e same thing that had caused my failure in e competiton...inability to express myself in front of people! Oh dear...:(

Having swollen eyes e size of a toad, i still didn stop sobbing...its just uuncontrollable, i just had to let all out, my mask couldn hold any longer, my mom was getting worried cos i just couldn stop ...to put her at ease..i gulped down my sobs and told her tt i'm fine..just then a guy with realli short spikey hair walked past, and glanced at me, being so down, i just coudnt help myself but glare back at him, "stare wat stare, haven u seen pple cry on e streets???" was my intented message to him. Guess i sent e wrong message again...i was heading down to e ctrl when this guy followed me...and stopped me...."Hey are u all right? U seem very unhappy...i was suprised at his question cos hes a total stranger! i hastily gulp back an oncoming sob and muttered "yea, i'm better now, thanks.." guess my politeness was once again mistaken..and he got bolder"Are u from China?" And i was like"What the shit??? I looked like a china girl???? Pls go and die! this is an insult to me! I'm 100% homegrown Singaporean! nvr had i felt so "loyal" lol. Hes a China guy, can tell from his accent. sighz. so suay. "Izzit convenient to leave me ur number?" So his "kindness" was just a smokescreen... that spastic smiley toad. I uttered a short "nope" and turned away. So suay, all this happened on 29th Sept. Might strike 4d sometime later with 2909, gonna buy lor, lol.

On the train, tears kept spilling out, curious stares keep bothering me, i kept my head down, and used my ipod to drown out all thoughts in my mind. I swear to overcome my phobia at any cause. Yea.

I had a dream,
where i was standing on a stage.
Enjoying my moment,
stripped of my fear,
The applauses were loud,
the cheers were clear,

But all this stopped
When i came back to reality

Do you have to wake me up from this dream
Must i really leave this dream.
That is so full of hope
It seems like heaven.

Do you have to wake me up from this dream
Must i really leave this dream.
This is just so perfect
that even in my dream,
i knew it was a dream.

All the colours and cheers, the shouts and screams
Turned into an overwhelming silence
So quiet tt i was forced awake

What does it take to be there again...
What does it take...to be..to be dreaming forever?
I wanna live like this forever.

Wrote this sometime ago, and guess it does really convey my heartfelt thoughts right at this moment.