Confidence, come to me!!

My competition starts at 7 today. Had butterflies in my stomach in e morn when i woke up. Was quite surprised tt my mom was actualli concerned about my competition! She encouraged me and told me to have confidence in myself, to believe in myself, cos i CAN sing she said.

So touched!!!!! tt i actualli forgot about all my fears and stage fright at tt moment. She has no idea how much her support and encouragement meant to me. As shes always against me spending too much time on ktvs and singing. Gives me a realli huge boost to my self-esteem/ confidence. "Just do ur best in e com and dun worry about the outcome. Like wat u did years about in your ballet exam. You were a kid then, so naive tt u din consider all the possible outcomes and gve urself undue stress. At tt time, u onli purely wanna do your best, cos u believed tt u were very good! And you were." Tts right, i came out lst in my ballet class for tt exam. Still have tt miniature pair of ballet shoes(something like a trophy) in my house.

My frens are ever so supportive oso, in forms of smses and msnes, xiexie!!!!means alot to me!

Breathe! take deep breaths! hydrate urself with plenty of water, cannot sing with a dry throat. Do some humming to warm up ur vocals all day. Drink pi pa gao:P And believe tt my voice is in excellent condition, and believe in myself, i have wat it takes to sing, do my best and even if mistakes follow, i wun care a heck about them! yea! I BELIEVE tt i can overcome my fears, in fact, i'm already half way there!

Nothing much...

Oboy, been a long time since i blogged...two weeks? maybe:P all my friends are saying tt its ages since i blogged, missed my blogs right....hahahahaha:PP

actualli everything tt happened in these two weeks are hazy..its as if i'm going thru everyday routines but nvr realli in them, think u understand wat i'm talking about right..not realli living...just wasting precious time in my boring sobzz...life.

Why is everyone so caught up in relationship matters?? realli depressing sort of stuff tt gets to me. y can't people be more clear cut in wat they want? think its realli sad, cos most of e time in life, people dun reallli understand even themselves and wat they want...moreover trying to take on an even bigger task of trying to understand other people and getting trapped in dilemmas, realli tired. Think me and all of e people ard me are liddat.

We were talking about some stuff during mooncake fest celebration yest, we went east coast park to shang3 yue4, and we brought up a topic, a most frequently asked qns:
What are e criterias tt you should look for in your prospective boyfriend?

Uh....all e near to impossible factors would come gushing out of our "still in dreamland" brains. tall, dark, gorgeous looking, rich, caring, attentive, giving and all other nice things tt u can think all.....but in e end, when u truly like that person, i can safely say tt most of us people would not find e factors in this person (that we had said so without even a moment's hesitation at e beginning).

Which puzzles me...don't people like each other because of some factors they they found appealing and tt they thought shld be required in their other half? isn't tt e reason tt they fall in love? Cos i dun realli believe tt people love one another unconditionally, there had to be some factors, rubbish to e quote" u dont needa reason for loving somebody." Like....because they treat you very well? u felt that you are being loved and cared for? good looks? common interests? same goals? there had to be something tt u feel its worthwhile to pursue this certain someone.

I like to be in fairytale land. My ideal love story hee...would be to fall in love naturally, with someone whos my friend...who knows me well, who shares common goals and thoughts with me, common interests, who's already in my everyday life...before taking a step further, tts so sweet.

Not someone who pops out of e blue...and starts caring for u, making an effort to know you better so that you begin to have postitve thots about this person, not tt i pai chi this sorta approach..just tt its not so perfect if u were to ask me. Would you even have considered this person if he weren't e one to notice you in e lst place? You might not even have crossed paths if an effort wasn't made...I want everything to be so...natural...haiz.

Oso think tt e 2nd approach is more vunerable...not knowing each other realli well, more probelms would present themselves in a short while...like..hmm not having same thinkings and goals, interests...sadz, this wun last long and slowly u would begin to drift, e initial attraction tt u had for one another is not strong enough to make this relationship work out. Tts my conclusion.

K lah...shall remain an old hag, cos i think tt life won't give in to my idealist thoughts, and things don't always turn out the way tt i want them to be. Hmm, must admit tt when i see couples, i tend to go...aw...so sweet, they look so blissful and stuf...but all e -ve thots tt i've accumulated is enough to overweigh e bliss.

I'm realli stressed up about the singing competition...i just cant stop shaking...y.....!! cant overcome my fear...horrible voice i have on stage, maybe a mere 20% of my original sing voice. I gt a fright even listening to my own voice..its not even my voice...think maybe i'm being possessed when i'm on stage...tt is to sing horribly and join e ranks of william hung, sobz.
Think e judges might freak out when they hear my voice. this is so depressing. I can onli keep psycho-ing myself not to be afraid, and do my best, pls stop being AFRAID!!yea.

Bought my ipod mini!!! am so in love wif it. Sighz~~ Pink and sleek, realli GORGEOUS! Better than a boyfriend ha. Yea, i missed blogging:)

Restless and Fidgety

Got alot going on in my mind..especially about whats gonna happen after my 6mths are up at CNET, think tt i'm realli lucky after seeing alot of my frens OTing like crazy, yea i shld be thankful i have my job, hey no, its not a relaxing environment, but hey, i don't get bogged down by horrendous workload, at least not as often at e others. but why am i feeling so bored of this routine?

Yea, i get my pay monthly, 5 days a week of work, go out frequently, having e ability to buy stuff that i like, but hey, i can't see myself like this 20 years down e road...guess this was further aggravated by one of my close frens, something happened to her family lah..which i couldn't help wondering if all e apprehension, waiting, uncertainties, procrastination in me were just plain dumb, i shouldn't have given in to these weaknesses? Shouldn't have just e easy way out and end up achieving nuthing tt i would have liked to 20 years down the road? Yea, its sort of comfy now, but just wanna get out of this rut, yea, dare to dream, dare to change. U live for yourself, not to oblige pple around you, or to do what people think tts right.

So wat if i fail? Just pick urself up and climb upwards, again again till u finalli reach e top, i have no doubt that the sense of satisfaction tt i'll feel would be damn overwhelming. Never be afraid to fall, one day i believe tt i can make it, i wanna be involved in violin teaching and singing i shadn't be afraid to admit anymore, yea, realli inspired, shouldn't drag my feet any longer, life is just so unpredictable, go do anything tt i want as long as it feels right. Determined not to have any regrets in e future.

External factors, i shall not let them overpower e will in me i have right now. I have faith.

Realli Inspired!!

Yay! guess wat?? e gang of 5 went celebrate Yuhua's bdae today, before meeting them, i went to shop for a bag, hmm , cos onli got one bag at e moment, my bdae pres from qq,mt and gang:P use for a year le..abit boring..so went Mango!! my fav boutique:P and tada! saw a bag tt i realli like...its leather and smart llooking!!!! but cryz...70 dollars...no way i would part wif 70 dollars for a bag..hmm so spotted another one which is just as nice!! but its price....30 dollars! yea, value for money, its those soft leather..white white one..like a handbag, i realli like it alot:P feel so happy wif my bag! then went to taka foodcourt, theres this cake shop tt sell brownies..oso sell cakes, its realli realli pretty , e cakes, and all under 12 dollars, no doubt its tiny but just nice for e 5 of us, picked e strawberry one, heaps of fresh strawberries piling on e cake, complete with soft sponge...heaven!! yea:P

oki, then went eat at smith street, ordered alot of food, but manage to finish !! haha, lihai~ theres chee cheong fun, prawn noodles, wanton mee, fried kway teow, peanut paste, rojak and ice kachang! faintz, alot leh:P

the main attraction of e day....(drumroll).....Mu Chuan!
haha, realli happy to go there, cos last time us two(yuhua and me) went to get forms for e competition..then see e ambience..hmm real nice!! so on her bdae, decided to go there to listen to pple sing, and wow..can they sing!! theres a guitarist, a guy and girl singing, keyboard played by guy oso, very lihai wor...can sing and ply...hmm and a drummer, was so engrossed in some of e songs that i din realise meitian wanted my stirrer lol...i like e yi ge ren shen huo...and ji de...sung by e female vocalist...she has this soothing voice then just makes me feel so comfy:P although its not realli powerful, but its nice, yah and they sung a happie bdae song for Yuhua!! haha so fun!! ate e cake, and at e very end, they sung many of e songs that we requested...whao..so happy! e ambience...e live band...great voices...was especially impressed by e guy's rendition of "Can you feel the Love tonight" realli nice..think he sings like Harlem+Wu Si Kai, like his voice:P, us took many pictures oso..and guess wat??? e guy recognize us!!!! haha e lst time we went to e ark..we were just getting e forms to enter e contest, and he actualli remmember us!! :P

Yah..then went home with e female singer..shes called li lian, hmm, realli suprised at how much we can ralk about...esp when i'm always so anti-social...got same idol---> amei, talked about singing....songs...to how to protect ur voice etc..realli happy and inspired after talking to her..now i'm even more convinced that i shld go complete my violin studies...shes in nie, knows e piano, and hmm, i will take part in many more competitions...my interest...i feel realli happy !!!! if work can be like singing, that wld be heaven:)

Dinner with Qing~

Yea, today was another boring day....went to work , reach ard 9:35 am as usual...then time pass very slowly...its plain torture...even when i'm doing work , time oso pass slowly loh, its THAT bad k..think tt i'm bored of e work routine leh...its always updating and changing stuff in e existing sites like Intel, or some advertising client of CNET...then in e afternoon i will be doing some new edm(promotional emailers) ...and i'll finish ard 6-6:30pm..then go home...!!! very ROUTINE! very unSAGITTARIUS! sianz...then qing oso have e same feelings as me lor..abt our job, and i encourage her not to go back to CNET..cos think we both dun like routine work ...hmm...sianz...still got 5 and a half moths to go..maybe i will quit before tt...e pple there old le...nothing to tok abt oso...i getting bored. I was very happy when i finalli end work and went to meet Qing for dinner at Sakae.

Reached there le...as Qing haven come i went up to Sasa...saw some blackhead remover brush ..made in Japan one...not sure how e thing works..so ask salesgirl...then she reccommend me some acne - clearing mask...i was so indignant..i dun have really bad skin wat...reccommend me tt stuf...wat is she implying huh??? though i din have any expression on my face as usual lah...i even thank her for e trouble she took and walk away...how hypocritical can i get???? LOL.

Yah, then i met Alan near e ctrl there...haha so qioa...think hes gonna meet up with WeeMin later...he looked realli different with his spiky hair haha...become thinner liao, hmm then we chatted for a min or two...and he went walk around le..the finalli Qing arrived hee. Think we realli never meet up for quite a long time liaoz, so we got alot of things to catch up. Had a realli nice heart to heart talk with her at Sakae. Hmm, shes one of those special friends tt i can realli talk at ease with, about anything...from life to guys...to realli crappy stuff:P, keeping e conversation flowing effortlessly which is realli rare to me...cos me anti-social, guess we just CLICKED lah:P Weird thing is tt even though we din eat much...we feel full!! Think we eat too slow lah..e food cold le, we still talking ahah, two silly gals.

Yah ...theres one thing that Qing mentioned...that is being independent...think tts realli important to all e girls...too much reliance on someone is realli scary as ur mood will go up or down depending on tt person...relying on tt person too much emotionally is scary..you talk to tt person abt ur innermost thots...everyday life...slowly u begin to feel attached to this person....expectation of tt person goes up...will become too emotional...and strain things...when he fails to meet up to ur expectation..disappointment comes in...and u feel hurt? sad? not a good feeling huh! and i was like"omigod..she realli had e same kinda feelings as me!" hmm, so must be more independent and protect ourselves...remember tt everyone is oso human...not some guardian angel sent to protect u..., its realli nice to have someone to share thots and life with...but u still must have that bit of independence tt u can rely on infinitely...as things seldom last forever lah, tts wat i feel lor:P

At e mrt, on my way home, i saw my cousin! so qiao lor...lst its Alan, now its my cousin..hmm shes jioing me to go cycling with her tmr..at ecp..night cycling..but me tired...wanna recharge..hmm..c lst bah. Nights! i gg slp le.

Singing Competition!!

Yea!! Yuhua and me are gonna join a singing competition held by Safra Club and Ark. Feeling damn excited about this!! Gonna go down on Sat morn to register as a duo, us taking part in e group category~~~

Hmm, were discussing about e song that we are gonna pick, i kinda like e song by Liang Jing Ru and Ping Guan(Zhi Neng Bao Zhe Ni) , so hmm...we have to learn e harmony!! Jingu have e song? send me k~~ yay...i usually wun enter competitions like this..but dunno y recenty my mindset about this whole competition thingy change...maybe its because "Ren Shen Duan Duan Zi Shi Nian...just go do whatever you wanna do!! Never be afraid to try and u will have many interesting memories to look back on...do nothing and u'll have many regrets later on, yea..onli have one life huh...must try everything...now i wanna study music..be a musician...be a air stewardess...be a social worker...be a dancer...so many many things to do!!

I just found out that i like roasted chestnuts very veryyyyyyyy much!!! Think its e lst time i tried leh:P sua ku huh?? Its e Japanese one...e jap store that sell chestnut ice-cream..roasted chestnuts?? Got quite a few branches i think..their chestnuts...damn shiok...one big bag...onli 2 dollars, chewy, flaky and sweet!!!! gonna eat e ice-cream another time..., yea~~, quite happy today!! someone...buy ice-cream mooncake leh...i'm craving for mooncakes...

Updates of my LIFE-_-''''

Saturday: He came to help me reformat computer, and luckily all my data were intact, i'm one lucky girl~~ took his labtop back yah, and reformat that too, it took a long time, and we were oso discussing e latest project, hmm, i've decided not to sign contract with him liao, and i'm quite happy with this diecision, cos i wanna avoid any more awkwardness and hmm, i trust my judgement, think that he can be trusted:P cos of something he told me~ about contract stuff and some things that they would not usually divulge to e designers working on e assignment, hmm, feel much better after this meeting, yah and e reason for him not calling, i think tt its possible..but its not entirely based on his claims, tts wat i feel, but i 'm happy to hear him clear this matter up, e cold war thingy. Yah he got some health problems...oops think i shadn divulged so much...winkz*

And my final conclusion is: I don't want to be too dependent or rely too much on a person..think that its scary, as ur mood is constantly being affected by what he said. Let things progress naturally and i prefer to be independent..for now. I still have to pursue my music, i aim to change my boring life after 6 more months at CNET. Too boring for me...i'm one tt hates repetitive work..and its very stressful to be following all e styles of companies identity without having a tiny bit of creativity placed in by you...it gets realli stagnent, and u have to constantly learn new stuff...like advance css, javascript...etc. Think i cnot TAHAN liao. My plan: To do freelance design and take my music exams, then go into a music course either at NAFA or NUS, will be joining my fren, shes gonna do e same after she finishes her job at some music school.

I think pressure from my relatives and mom is good...although i dun feel GOOD. Like urging me to stop procrastinating , getting stuck in a rut(my current job) and get on with wat i realli want to do in life. STOP HESITATING, GET ON WITH LIFE! Sagis...hai, always lack willpower ...sadz right.

I went to a bbq held by my work department, at night...to "show" that i'm not miss high and mighty...cos i dun feel like gg at first...i dun know them well...and got no topics to talk about, so damn boredz..yawnz...generation gap lahz...they are in their late twenties thirties...and i haven even reach twenty! I must seem like some kiddo to them-_-''' they all got hubbies, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, children...all drive cars....wat about me???????????? so damn distant lor.....sighz..tts e reason y i'm so anti social towards them...BUT being e earnest little girl tt i am:P, i made an EFFORT k, i made konnyaku jelly, very nice k, they oso say tt its nice:)) cos i boiled pandan leaves to let e jelly get e pandan cake smell, real yummy, with grapes in e jelly:P Yah..luckily my cousin and Yunru were there with me...and for most of e time, we gobbled up all e kantang in e curry chicken and potato tray:P and i mean ALL...realli nice!! theres hotdogs, chinese sausages...chicken, chicken wings...all bbqed liao, all i did was eat and chat wif my cousin hee. Left at 9...and we all went to compass point to meet up with Tan Meiling, where we chat till e wee hours in e morning!! like 5 hours??? Wah, we realli super, can talk sooooo much:P About guys...friends...food......diet......songs.....we had a song marathon at 2 am??? all of us were being thrown out by starbucks LOL. but we wanted to carry on talking, so sat on e dirty kerb instead, hmmm realli had a nice conversation wif them, we plan to go ktv nxt nxt week, yea!

Okay, e weird thing is ....while we were talking...at about 2 am...i was realli tired and was zonking out liaoz, then i suddenly thought of him...and e feeling of wanting to meet him is there loh!!! diaoz, damn...scary...not i want loh...then in e morning while i was on my way to meet Wanhua and AC for ktv...on e bus....i was remiinded of him again......e conversations we had yesterday...i have confidence that we might become close friends:) Yah so my conclusion for my illogical behaviour is tt " I miss him" ... i think. die die oso wun let him know loh:P just keep it to myself, dun wanna complicate things again since we have just got out of that rut.

KTV was coolz...but i had a real ugly voice as a result of slping at 3-4 am and waking up at 10 am...very rough and husky voice...pukez, and theres something stuck in my throat ... lots of new songs, and we overshot by 1hour!! :P Eh Yuhua, kbox got singing competition...but must have a team of two or more, wanna join??? no fees required~~ i dun mind! cos i think tt its fun, theres over 10k of prizes to be won~ AC as usual was checking out cute pple(roll eyes) , her usual taste lah..those pple with dao dao faces, thin, her TYPE jiu4 shi4 le lah then kept gushing lor, ...me and wh were like "DIAOZ" san1 tiao2 xian:P

AC went for her taekwando class and wh and i went to shop for shoes..hmm but cnot find any that she realli likes, haha, hope that she finds one real soon:P Talked alot about guys, school and stuff, long time since we talked so much liaoz:P must arrange outings for often worz! Went to clothes shop called FOX and think tt their clothes are quite nice~ AC shld like bah..cos sporty, and i decided not to get any..cos must SAVE money..just bought mango pants lor...very broke liaoz hee. Went to Causeway point to eat with Matthew(my spanish cousin) e poor guy...my big aunt(his mother) did not want him to eat too much...kept stopping him from eating lor..poor guy..onli pri 4 mah...cos hes a little big-sized lah...but seriously..2 bowls of rice is common for a guy right??? whats more there isn't alot of dishes to go along wth e rice lor..so ex somemore...diaoz...but food is nice..its called SOUP RESTAURANT, heard before?

Bought some marvel heroes comics for him and we went home~my cousin and me were busy taking pphotos in e mrt ahhaha, pple kept staring..cos we too AA liao lah:P, my younger cousin kept snapping at unsuspecting pple..e poor souls, still dunno wats going on:P

Koaz...1:10 am liaoz...must stop writing liaoz and go slp...night blog!

Disappointing if its e TRUTH.

Sunday night, or rather monday morn, he called at 1am, since that incident where we quarrelled over the profit thingy, things were awkward between us, esp me. I was oso tired lah, so i said, i'm tired and i'm sleeping already, nightz. And since that night, he didn't call le. He used to, every night without fail..maybe he sensed that i wasn't that comfortable with him anymore? Although evrything was forgiven, things has changed. My cousin say people in love dun quarrel, hmm, maybe i'm NOT yet in love..just beginning to like him...when all this have to happen...dun think that i would trust another so easily again...once bitten twice shy huh.

dun feel like talking to him as hearing his voice would always wake e naggy voice inside me " Wake up girl, he was just manipulating you, getting you to do his projects at a 50%-50% split when the market price was 15-25% for e project consultant and 75-80% for e designer. " Ta1 kan4 ni3 hao3 qi1 fu4 and he bullied you, all these tt had happened was a HOAX girl, wakie!!!
But hor..Shunling say e market pricing for html page is 50 dollars per page..i did 6 pages , two of which was filled with content..e rest were not available , client haven't provided them. For 6 pages hes gonna give me 300 dollars, reasonable right? Hmm, he said tt it was a 50%-50% split, that means client paying him 600 dollars for a 6 page microsite? Hao3 zhuan4 leh!

Was this realli true??? I badly want to shrug it off ... but i can't, my mind was telling me that i was stupid and inexperienced, and that e project profits were unfairly split. I din realli notice this unfairness, until we quarrelled that day, he was so sensitive over this profit thingy, and he offered me 80%-20%, is this wat tt is rightfully my share?? tts why he was so petty and edgy over this issue? His guilty conscience acting up? I badly wanna rub it off my mind!!!!!!!!! BUT I CAN'T..... This concerns not onli about money...oso the emotional issues involved..like e things we shared in this short 3 weeks tt i know him, he saw my bad points, good points, different sides to me tt maybe other people may not have discovered, i actualli felt tt i'm realli close to him.. If he realli manipulated my feelings so that he can take a bigger share of projects, i would realli feel just so damn rotten.... calm down...he isn't like tt!! i truly wanna believe...its e betrayal of trust that realli hits me, heart PAIN.....sometimes just wanna get away from him cos i dunno whats his real intentions, to get to know me better..or just to make use of me? realli feel so stupid... yah and we dun even talk in msn liao...he used to msn me whenever i'm online..not liao. I have this feeling that he is indeed using me... fine i'm foolish, i'm stupid..i shall crawl into a shell and lick my wounds, till i'm well, just hide there and dun come out...not in a long while...

Thought of all e things that he did for me... and this again made me wonder if i was thinking too much? like too much to e pessimistic side... he lend me his labtop for 2 weeks...help me buy stuff...went out together...act childish with me...hmm, maybe i'm too soft-hearted liao lah.

Anyway, Shunling advised me to sign a contract with him before starting on another project with him. I was very reluctant..cos we quite close liao...and he would definately feel hurt, no choice oso...he made me do this...he made me feel tt he had a guilty conscience by being so ultra sensitive to this money issue. But i oso feel guilty when i asked him over msn yesterday..yah. Think our status reverted back to strangers since i spoke to him about contract stuff. He said" You don't trust me meh? I only draw up contracts for my clients. You can ask your fren to draw up e contract for u, i have no time to do that." I felt realli bad when i saw his words...yea, soft hearted me..cannot lah, i dun wanna be bullied and feel so bu4 fu2. How would i know if he was angry that he can't cheat me liao, or angry that i don't trust him anymore?? I dun know wat to believe, i'm confused. How cool would all this be if he realli din split e profits unfairly.... i dunno!! did he? did he not? did he? did he not? manipulated me? yes? no? argh!!!!!!!!!! is he sincere towards being a friend to me? hmmm, i think so...we talked so much... i realli can't accept it if it was just a facade...i don't know what to believe. cryz. I dun think tt i'll do another project for him again after this one..can't bear to argue or see both of us stage this cool war..i rather not earn the money and remain friends, dun want things to turn ugly yea. I think this has come to a point that whats fair and unfair is not impt already...e emotions involved..are more hard to bear.

Back to being strangers.
The heartfelt moments spend together
was it realli so faint?
just a "puff" and what was built shattered.
Like fragile glass shards
tt will never be whole again
All that trust and understanding
All so broken
tt will never be whole again
Not matter what we do, how we try
This story ...
has it come to an end?
What i had believed doesnt seem true anymore,
I dun know what to believe ,What to do
I feel like a fool.
How i wished tt it was all a dream.
a
Ta da!!! so dramatic right? yah i know what my cousin is gonna say again..gan3 qing2 feng1 fu4 right.. i pui!!!!!!!!!!!! yah lah... cos i feel more comfortable talking to a blog, cos if i talk face to face wif u guys, my mind will blank out one..cannot..hee. My split personality and thoughts, all written in my bloggie:P

Get over it girl, u'll be fine.