Jinghui's 21th bdae

Omy, think that all my frens and me are reaching that crucial turning point in our lives ---> turning 21 years of age, e point of time where e key to more responsiblilities and freedom are handed to us.

Although i feel that i havent really mature one tiny bit since from sec sch days,recently i have started to notice strangers --> foodcourt aunties, sales people, street surveyors changing their way of addressing me, from a "xiao mei" to a "xiao jie", kids are even more atrocious, always call me "auntie", i faint, y cnot be "jiejie"? rude little mites. But i'm always a nice girl, smiling sweetly at tt little atrocity while screaming murder up in my mind lol.

So from e above observation, guess i realli do have that 21 year old shell, so sad! I'm still childish, i dun act like an adult, i still like gaming, am currently hooked to Sims2, its e craze now, trying to get more alien kids "grinz enthusiastically**

Can you imagine a poised typical office lady in her professional mannerisma and stiletto heels stabbing furiously at her mouse and bouncing up and down on her roller chair with gee when one of her sims is being abducted by aliens and comes home impregnated with an alien foetus? Picture e scenario, hahadamn amusing. A more appropriate scenario would be her working on their campaigns, proposal, office stocks, e financial news, politics. Grown-ups are like that. I, unfortunately do not belong to this group.

And e stuff that we chat abt on msn, leaves me smiling to myself even as i recall some of e spastic conversations i had. E.g Me: Hahhahahaaa, i'm eating brownie now, so damn nice, want to eat?" knowing full well that its impossible to share and yet teasing in such a kiddy manner. Or something as lame as e above like " I get to c xxx guy everyday, u don't, hahahaaaaa, so cutteeeeeeeeee." The spastic, completely at ease conversations would leave adults stupefied at our behaviour whahahhaaaa.

Thirdly, think all my frens are well aware of my wols reaction, especially when it comes to catching jokes. Everyone would be in fits of laughter and i would still be "huh-ing?" and thinking what had happened. Seeing my blur face, would set off another bout of laughter again-_-'' they would patiently try to explain it again, while e others would simply give up and try to keep straight faces, and speak in that innocent tone" No lah, its nothing, reallii." Haha, believe them?? puiz.

Let me magnify my blurness..for instance, yesterday, we were goin for Jinghui's bdae chalet, before that we were in simei choosing perfume for her present. Yup, settled for Escada Island kiss, has that irresistable tinge of fruit citrus and caramel fragrance. Heavenly~ After shopping, me and eve went down to simei mrt ctrl, to take a train to pasir ris as her chalet is in Aranda COuntry Club, in downtown east. Flsahing her ezlink card, my fren got in before me, when my turn came, i flashed mine, but e door did not slide open, hmm, weird, so i tried a few times more, onli to feel puzzled when e door is not reacting to my frantic flashes. Glanced down e card...POSB card. Diaoz. I was actualli flashing my posb card at e ctrl... i recalled drawing money before this, and guess that i was holding on to it all e while without stuffing it back in my wallet, fine! Sneaked a glance behind my shoulder, luckily, theres only a kid behind me fidgeting impatiently, waiting for this sotong head to go thru. Not many people has witnessed my spastic antics, except for my friend, whos already snorting with amusement. Yah, poor me-_-''

Arrived at e chalet, it was onli a 5min busride from e interchange, and we were her lst group of friends to arrive, gou4 yi4 qi4 right? Haha, settled down on e sofa, Huang Zhu Ge Ge III was on, e new cast had replaced e old one...for e worse, e new ziwei lacked e poise and innocence, Xiao Yanzi's mannerisms were more subdued, less fiery then before, think everyone were like puking haha, e show sucks. I wasn't realli watching anyway, was entertaining myself my Pink Dream my ipod, lying snugly at e bottom in e pocket of my cargo jeans.

After awhile, felt hungry, and therfore i decided to help myself to e buffet spreaf, i got up and was making my way there when i heard " Lixuan!! hahahaaa, hahahaa" And i was like "Huh?" i whipped back round to face them, and my earphones followed suit. Tian ar, i had oulled e earphones out of my ears, but had forgot to stuff them back into my pocket, so while i was walking towards e buffet just now, e earphones with its sleek white wires were tagging behind me like a pair of tails..Lixuan, u did it again, cool man.

Okay, arrived at e buffet, quite a spread at e buffet table, and i'm already salivating, happy me took a plate and walked to e start of e table. I was about to take some realli delicious looking pineapple rice when i heard a voice beside me say" Hey miss, think you are helping yourself to the worng buffet, yours should be on the right side." Faintz..this is e ultimnum. I happily thought that e two rows of food belonged to e same buffet without realising that theres another chalet unit right beside my fren's. So logically, e row nearer to my fren's unit belong to us, while e other row belonged to e other party...This time, everyone was here..from e strangers in e other party to all my frens, all smiling at this embarrassing moment... At that moment, i realli can ling3 wu4 what people meant by wanting to dig a hole and hide in there, as i realli wished i could do that!! Ever so familiar lines of "Lixuan!! y u so cute?? Everytime oso so blur!!" flew at me. Argh!! I dun want oso!! I was whining!! haha, me 21 years old?? Lol. I'm always their source of entertainment, as long as i'm around, some spastic antic would definitely come from me.

Yah, after we finished our food, 5 of us went on to play mahjong, i dunno how to play, so i bai4 shi1 to one of my frens, oman..shes realli a du2 gui3, handling e tiles with such expertise and sey3, realli interesting game with alot of steps, damn confusing.. so naturally i made alot of blunders making everyone laugh yet again haha. Lst time playing cannot laugh at people hor eve, yogi, yiru and zhijing were no better bleahhh:P There are different kinds of names for different kinds of winning combinations, like ping3 shun4, eyes, blah, oops, forgot again ha. And i couldn't differentiate e "hua1" from the yi4 shou3 which deeply amuses them when i keep insisting that e "yi4 shuo3" is a "hua1" dunno y..scratch head** will try my best lar:P

After countless rounds of mahjong, i believe that i had gotten some of e gist haha, hope so, we went for e cake cutting ceremony, Jinghui 21 years old le..so fast adult liao, cant believe it will be me next december :$. In a cloud of streamers and party poppers, Jinhui cut e humongus cake, it had blue trimmings with white cream( dun like e blue icing with white cream color combi though, think blue dimnishes one's appetite as its color closely resembles washing detergents like Dynamo?? haha, food reasearchers say one) We chatted for quite awhile, before leaving e party. Food was great, atmosphere was very heart-warming, as we haven't met up for quite a long while, sincerely wish that everything goes well for my friends. Final conclusion: am glad that i went:)

Audis Round Two!

Third time singing in Ark. My lst time singing with a live band, e feeling was so different, kinda impromtu, as e music that i had practised with was different from what e keyboardist and guiterist were playing.

As usual, i ended up practising in the deserted stairway A. haha, crazy girl. Singing even when theres people in e stairway, shrugs* i care too much about my audi to take note of e stares from people. This guy was like smiling at me as he walked past, shrugs*

Yuhua joined me after sometime. And we were both giggling cos, we were listening to own own audi songs and singing at e same time. The air was filled with a jumble of notes that were once melodious lol. And yuhua chang bu xia qu le cos shes confused haha.

I must say that i sound perfectly fine at the staircase..i realli do sound normal. At 7:15, we walked back to Ark. I must say that, i'm getting less nervous, on my third try, but still have that dry mouth. Tried swallowing, but that moisture i got out of it disappeared in like seconds? mouth went dry again. sheesh. Guess its a symptom of my nervousness.

There were 13 contestents in audition round 2. So i should think that there were about 30 contestants from round 1. Anyway, saw some familiar faces that were competing beside us last week. Theres this Ella lookalike, realli very Ella-ish!!! Hairstyle, eyes, nose, mygod, think e lookalike rate is like 80% of Ella. Her voice is sweet though, she sung jeff's song ai ru chao shui, and did great. okok, i shall start from e beginning. Hmm before e actual singing, we actualli went up to do some key matching, keyboardist played some chords and we were supposed to find our pitch. I got a D at lst, but thought it was rather high for me, and i'm scared that i might not be able to sing that high later if i'm still gonna be nervous, so i requested for a lower pitch. He gave me a C#, phews, much better.

The lst guy was rather unlucky, e poor guy, guinea pig u know, everyone was like mentally taking note of what they should avoid after seeing this impromtu interview this guy went thru given by the lead singer cum keyboardist. And the accompaniment was so shui ji ying bian, have to do some fast thinking on ur feet. Chorus and verse, hard to catch sometimes.

Theres this girl who sang Xu Jie Er's wo ke yi ren shou, and did realli good! i could feel goosebumps, am touched by her rendition, she sorta revealed that its her story when asked why did she choose the song. Bubbly, golden hair girl, denim miniskirt, petite, she bounced up e stage, was so amused, i thought i saw e guitarist rolled his eyes lol.

Alot of outstanding vocalists, and i can swear that all of e people i see audi-ing has higher standards than alot of singers. Its realli inborn, their voices, esp e guy who sang lin jun jie's song, when he sang that lst note, everyone was like mesmerized and nodding their heads in agreement, silently recognizing his talent, hmm he was old, too bad..guess hes not tt passionate about singing as most of e other contestants, he did state that he did not neccessary need this job just that it would be nice cos he loves to sing. Bummer, think tt remark would go against him...wata aloof guy.

All powerful voices, almost..realli high standards, e lead singer said: All of u guys in round two can sing well, its e interviewing and how fast u react to situations in areas of singing with e live band and conversation-making that i'm testing you on. Whoa.

Okay, shadn go on le, yuhua was number 6, i was 8. Yuhua got up and sung her usual, Shes realli frightless le, and she did well as usual. My turn comes, and clutching e lyric sheet in my hand, i walked bravely up to e front. E cute guitarist smiled at me!! hee, he realli looks like Scott, me and yuhua were always saying.

And e interview thingy went okay i think, he asked me" why did i choose this song?" and i went, hmm i like e feel that e song brings, e feeling of being in love..and i stumbled over some words , ha, too nervous so i'm abit tongue-tied. He nodded kindly and for some reason i always seem to get this question..i dunno y?? Yuhua's is something about her occupation, haha she got asked on e spot about the interior design of Ark!! faintz.

Okay, e song starts, without thinking, i plunged straight into e song, and e keyboardist was like saying, "Wait, its e intro part." Faintz, so argh!!! The guitarist was so kind, he guided me " okay, here goes, 1,2,3 go!" leading me into e song, e intro and e verse accompaniment was so alike! faintz. malu!

I think my voice broke over e lst phrase...again..i nvr fails to FAIL me. Ignoring it, i sung e whole song, but its like i'm being possessed again, compared to e lst time when i was squeaking at an barely audible volume , i was louder this time, onli by a little. I still cannot be MYSELF on stage. Something is holding me back, mentally. sighz. I was nothing near e usual voice of mine. Instead i sung soft and "sexy" yuhua claims.i think i sound like a cat! Faintz, i dun wantttttttttttt. Cant help it. Barely satisfied with wat i gave on stage, i walked back.

SOmeone say ba2 he2 by Kit Chan, shes realli good, i suddenly realised that in Singapore, theres realli alot of talented singers around, despite it having such a tiny popluation. we are no lack of singing talents. Everyone tt i hear audi-ing are realli experts, nothing to say, too perfect. Guess e boss would have a hard time choosing.

Ate an ice-cream cone at mac, chat and went home, still replaying tt scene in my mind over and over again. I'm realli very touched tt we managed to get this far into round two. Gan dong. hee. No hopes of getting thru tts for sure, in my case. Think yuhua has a good chance, we shall c.

I've got poor memory!!

Tay, you remembered 57% of the information in the Memory Test.

But research shows there's a lot you can do to improve your memory. And if you do, it can help you function in more ways than you'd think. There are 6 main types of memory, which help us interpret and store different types of information. You scored highest in reading memory. That kind of memory allows you to interpret the meaning of a reading passage, and store a general sense of it for later use while you continue to read along. If interrupted, you're better able than others to recall what you've just read. This type of skill also makes it easier for you than others to remember specific facts and details that you pick up from reading.

Isn't that sad!!! I've got lao ren chi dai zhen!!
Go take e test at:http://web.tickle.com/tests/memory/flash.jsp

Poor me...

Save save save

Men are greedy, thats realli true!

Monetary, Emotionally.

Right now, all my focus are on e monetary side.

I so badly want so much stuff that it scares me.

1) *Bloch Jazz Dance Shoes
2) *Levis Jeans ( grown so old le, still not a single pair...)
3) Mini IPOD's WristBand
4) A bigger bag (current one is a tiny sized Mng handbag)
5) Bikini
6) *Double Eyelid Op ( i'm gonna go for it on my bdae, woohoo! such a memorable bdae i'm gonna have, spending it in a op theatre.:P)
7) A mp3 player for my brother
8) Realli smashing xmas presents for my close frens and family
9) A xmas get together with all my loved ones and frens.
10) *Get stage fright-less, not a single speck of it!!!!
11) Take my violin exams in 2005's intake.

PS: E asterix = lst priority
C?? all needs money.... i'm greedy and life is sad.

April 05 1969

Suprise surprise, out of e choice of three songs, e least expected one was chosen: Shunza'a Xie Yi Shou Ge, oooh. Its e most familiar song in my mind, dalala, i had a real dampening dream yest. I dreamt that after e auditions, yuhua called me excitedly to say that Evonne Xu Hui Xin called her to tell her to get ready for some interview thingy at Ark. And i was like "oh, is it part of the audi process? Or onli e selected get to be interviewed?" And she replied" Think onli the selected got the call." And i could feel my heart dropping , like a stone, into e floors of my stomach. And i woke up, e strange thing is that for a few minutes i couldn't differentiate reality from e dream, i actualli believed that it was true for a moment, lol. Maybe i dreamt of e outcome.

April 05 1969

寫一首歌 月亮在你的眼睛　太陽在我心　現在我唱這首歌　OHH　只為你想把所有煩惱都忘掉　做不做的到　你明白我心在燃燒　因為你　因為你OH　為你你心中的話　我全都想聽　能不能相信　所有的夢裡全都是你　會不會停息和你一起　是否　不會再放棄　你的心裡有沒有秘密　我分不清　不要在意　只想為想為你　寫一首歌　寫一首歌　都是你　OOH月亮在你的眼睛　太陽在我心　現在我唱這首歌　OH　只為你想把所有煩惱都忘掉　做不做的到　你明白我心在燃燒　因為你　因為你OOH 為你　為你　OOHOH, LOVE'S IN THE AIR　IT'S EVERYWHERE　EVERYONE CAN SEE　EVERYONE CAN FEELTHAT LOVE'S IN THE AIR　IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE　EVERYONE AGREES　LOVE IS ALL WE NEEDWHEN THE MOON FALLS IN YOUR EYES　I KNOW THE SUN HAS SETTHE FIRE STILL BURNS WITHIN ME　SINCE THE DAY WE METI KNOW MY HEAVEN WOULD BE SO COMPLETE　YOU COULD MAKE IT REALI WON'T LET THIS CHANGE GO BY　I CAN SEE, I CAN FEEL YOUWHEN THE MOON FALLS IN YOUR EYES　I KNOW THE SUN HAS SET 　THE FIRE STILL BURNS WITHIN ME, WITHIN ME月亮在你的眼睛　太陽在我的心　現在我唱這首歌　只為你

Confusing song!! so many verses and lyrics, i just hope that i wun sing e verses in place of e chorus and vice versa:P

Just ate a rotiboy,a colloeague treated us all to one bread each,theres onli an outlet in Singapore, i believe tt it comes from KL Malaysia, its damn delicious, butter and fried bun, argh fattening!!!!! Gonna get fatter and fatter, not my face!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silly me...

吻

曲：Ira Antelis/Wendy Lapidus-Saltz 词：姚谦 编：刘志远

如果时间能把我们的思念稀释了
从此以后互不相干各自爱着别的人
只要不遇见忽然下雨的清晨
在起床的时候 会莫名的失神
说好决定要努力忘了啊
为何还有泪停在脸颊
你身边是否还是那个她
取代我在你醒来吻你吗
取代我在你醒来吻你吗

如果当时我们都能够勇敢的承认
困为太在乎对方所以才倔强的等待着
后来每个失眠的午夜时分
还不愿意后悔 却忍不住会问

说好决定要努力忘了啊
为何还有泪停在脸颊
你身边是否还是那个她
取代我在你醒来吻你吗
取代我在你醒来吻你吗

那段流着眼泪寻找解答的日子 已过去了
只是没想到爱情要 我们付出漫长想念代价
说好决定要努力忘了啊
为何还有泪停在脸颊
你身边是否还是那个她
取代我在你醒来吻你吗
取代我在你醒来吻你吗

Its realli been confirmed that i'm gonna go for Ark's 2nd audition hee:P on e 27th, hmm, nothing can describe my mood right now..think e audition is filling my entire mind right now. I feel so silly sometimes, just a audition wat ha.

Evidence of my silliness:

Around 7pm, i went downstairs to buy yong tau foo for dinner, think i was listening to some audition songs i might chose, had already placed e veggies and tau pok, in e bowl, and i was waiting in line for them to boil e noodles. Think i was in some kinda trance, cos suddenly, the yong tau foo auntie reached out thru e glass panel where they place e ytf ingredients and grab e bowl from me impatiently, think she called me several times, but i just stoned there ha, so malu!!!!!! Think e guy in front of me sneaked a glance at me, must think that i'm some kinda retarded kid-_-''', so ahem..in order not to chu1 chou3 again, i hastily struggled back to regain my "senses" haha and be NORMAL, grabbed e packet and walked away quickly phewz.Actualli had two songs in mind just that i have a better feeling towards Elva's Wen, although Joey's 挥着翅膀的女孩 relates quite well to me.. Wen doesn't, strange huh?

Well , me gonna sleep le, nighties!

I'm DREAMING

Slap me somebody, pls!

I can't believe it.

And i still can't believe it, i actualli got in??? how unbelievable can this get?

I sound horrid once, and i still sound horrid on stage, but i got in, this is amazing, miracles do happen i guess:P

I get to perform with a live band this time round, 2nd round, cool, nerves, pls go away, u've been haunting me for so long!!!

Gross dream ever!

I had this realli weird dream yest!! think tt its once in a blue moon tt i ever remeber my dreams.

It goes like this:
i bought a realli gigantic piece of goose liver from ntuc...goose liver!! can u imagine? god knows why did i dream of goose liver,lol, my hidden fantasy rolls eyes*

The best part comes: I boiled e liver in a pot rolls eyes*** Was quite disgusted with the outcome, the liver turned into 3 colours, i guess its because its being cooked unevenly, some parts are still raw some portion of it is already overcooked so that it turns muddy brown, u know if u look closely at a piece of cooked liver, the tiny squares that forms e surface texture, very er xin jiu shi le lah. Some of e squares overcooked, some still raw red, some half cooked...then at this momnet, 3 realli HUGE worms crawl out!!!! of e liver, think e liver's half a metrein length. One caterpillar, one earthworm and one centipede, think i was screaming inmy dream lol. And they were crawling everywhere, so i went to look for my mom, ask her to help me catch. She went in search of the centipede lst, cos tts e most deadly one ha. And i sat on a stool in an unknown kitchen, my aunt was there as well, dunno y...realli weird dream and thanks to e 3 worms i woke up late again!! for work. Faintz.

Emode Quiz

Just did a quiz on www.emode.com, something about wats ur best quality. and guess wat?? it actualli said tt i was Intelligent!!!! Faintz! What a liar! lol.

Heres my analysis:

The fact that you're a smart person who is more able to understand complex concepts than many other people are really draws people to you! But that's not the only thing. Your answers on the test indicate you're great at expressing myself and can be at my best when articulating my ideas or communicating with others. You are a person who is curious, loves to experiment, and tries new things, too.In all, there are 15 qualities that help define you when you're at your best. Those are the traits potential employers, friends, and partners look for in you. What makes you unique is your particular distribution of those 15 qualities.We've found that your particular combination of qualities is rare — only 1 in 10,000 people share the same general mix of traits. Those are great odds if you're trying to show a potential employer, colleague, friend, or date why you're exactly the right person for them.

Woohoo! I'm a clever gal! grinz**

Check it out at this address:http://web.tickle.com/tests/qualities/index.jsp
You'll need to register for an account though, many quizzes to put u out of ur boredom, so its quite worth it:)

The second time I sang at Ark.

Its been quite awhile since that fateful day. Me and Yuhua went for its audition. I had been doubting what the others had said " A few more times and you will be better." I mean, how can you ever perform on stage..totally at ease just after a few measly times? This was my second time on stage singing..yup, and strangely the above line did seem to make some sense, though not completely true. I WAS scared, but not as much as e previous time. Think the major factor that contribute to calming my nerves was tt I practised close to an hour in some deserted staircase inside Apollo centre haHA.

Think that i'm looney right?? I actualli had the guts to practise in a deserted staircase where lechers and bad guys might lurk, passer-bys might stare but not have the guts to sing on stage!! Sometimes, I realli wonder at myself ha.

So for an hour, i sung Jolin's song along with my mini ipod and i felt much better after my singing voice is warmed up. When its almost time for me to go back for e audition thingy, i took a deep breath and walked back, wondering how am i gonna fare later on.

I actualli felt nothing when Leon(one of Ark's singers) was interviewing me on stage..think i blew it, cos i simply gave short replies for every qns he attempted to ask, and in e end, he sorta gave up haha:P

BUT! when he left me on e stage to sing, at that moment, i could feel my heart pulsing, faster and faster, and next, my throat clamped up, shucks, and i forgot my lyrics!! lol. SiGHZ.

The song starts, trying my very best to keep my voice steady, i sung e lst phrase of e song, suprisingly, without e help of my blanked out mind, my mouth actualli begin to mouth out the lyrics, i dun think i tried to remember..i just opened my mouth and e words came out, what a wonder! Thats e better part...e bad news is that, my voice and hands were shaking like mad, e harder i grip e mike, e more my hands begin to shake at a steady rate LO, a new and unique" voice vibrato" appeared in my singing lol. Not on purpose, i couldn help vibrato-ing, throat clamped up so voice was shaking..hmm but i tried my best to support my voice..to shift my concentration of fearing to e technique of singing. Think that it helped, though i was still shaking, although i still could not hold my notes and sing in a steady voice on stage, it was a real big improvement in my case...Hmm, still can't sing in a powerful voice on stage, my throat would cut off e air supply suddenly, choking off my voice, damnz.I am certain that i would not get through as there are many experienced singers coming to this audition, but i'm truly happy with my improvement(not performance), e next time..i just hope that my throat would not fail on me. hee and that my fear would not come creeping back on me ever!! again.

I rate my singing voice on a stage...hmm, a 30% of my original voice:P 10% better. So if i sing 7 more times on stage i will get better i hope:P.

Yuhua sang beautifully as usual, no fault realli, e same as wat she normally sings. I an really sure that she will get in. Kudos to her!

Listened to ark singers sing after our audition, hope to have that kinda ease that i saw in them on stage, be it singing, presentation, violin or dancing.

Jazz II

HaHA, finalli, at my fourth attempt, i managed to get my butt to e jazzII class, was late again!! for 15 mins, ran all the way to class. All that waiting for the shuttle bus made me late, not my fault k ha.

Hmm, the teacher was glad to see me, made me feel welcomed hee. We started out doing stretching exercises. This time, we did spilts and advanced stretching stuff in the warm-up portion, very nice! sort of enjoyed e burning sensation in my ab and back muscles after e warm up. I needa get my jazz shoes soon, think tt i'm e onli one without dance shoes, sadz. Technical exercises next..its all e same..jazz walks and turns..EXCEPT! that it involves a complicated routine, i faintz...teacher Belinda taught e 9-step jazz walk routine twice, and we r off! I faintz. the pace is fast as there are lots of experienced dancers around. Turns on one foot, are combined with turns on both feet, together with back front and side kicks--> one of e technical exercises. Real tough, for once i found jazz class challenging! made me sweat:P.

And i recognized this girl ...shes from the same sec sch as me..we both were in Jazz Dance Club since sec 1..shes been real talented since sec sch days...and now shes improved even alot more...seeing her do sky-high kicks to her shoulders, triple spins on one feet, i was realli impressed...guess her interest for jazz continued throughout these few years. I envy her technique...sighz, both from the same dance club..i must buck up! Hmm think she pretended not to see me..or she didn't recognize me..since i was this geeky bespectacled girl from sec sch days haha. Used to dance alongside her in many performances too..kinda miss my jazz friends:(...

After all the sweating, i went searching for my Sims 2..in suntec..and found it in Harvey Norman. Bought it without hesitiation, i'm officially broke :P have to survive on simple fare starting from next week. Been drooling after the game for weeks..sorta fantasize about directing their lives and making them successful in life...unlike mine...life is not always like a fairytale, but in sims ha, it will be..if u make them.

Think i've been drifting and procrastinating this week...7 days...seems realli long to me, dun feel like snapping out of it though, not so soon.

MRT underpass = life?

Just had to blog this down, it struck me e day before yesterday.

I was heading home when i walked thru e linkway between the nel and the southeast line. The linkway was damn crowded, i had to keep dodging people, searching for ways to create openings to push through the pulsing mass of people.

E process i went through in e linkway:

Lots of people pushed past me, making me sort of lose my balance and momentum of heading forward to my destination.

Before i could head forward, i had to dodge people and avoid being pushed back.
Then i realised that i can't just stay at the spot and simply guard against e relentless crowd, cos i would never move on so....

i begin to get out of this rut and look for ways to walk forward, for gaps between people so that i could squeeze thru e gaps and get forward, nearer and nearer to my destination...

sometimes, the gap between e two persons was closed before i could squeeze thru them.

sometimes, the gap was accessed by another person who was quicker in action then me, not neccessary by sight, maybe in action...or he might have spotted e gap much later then me...onli that he got lucky as he was nearer to e gap then me.

sometimes i got thru the gap onli to be pushed back by a forceful guy walking thru the same gap but in e opposite direction( towards me)

so many setbacks and do i stop trying? no right..i would get stuck there forever, and never reached home.

so i kept searching more more gaps, more roads to push forward. sometimes i succeed in making progress, sometimes i don't, and i keep trying till i finalli reach the other side of the linkway.

I suddenly realised that this everyday process that i had to go thru, was so similiar to life. The gaps are like opportunities..there are always plenty of them...and u take on the opportunities u spot in life, most of the time, you meet with lots of setbacks, but if your perserverance and will( like u know u need to get home) is strong enough, you will keep trying and trying...meet alot of failures but there will also be times when u succeed until you reach your final destination.

Yup, i get reminded of this whenever i go on my "gap spotting" routine everyday in the linkway.

Bizarre Love Triangle

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
well every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this wayI
just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

Struggling with emotions...work...everything!

Yep, i'm confused, can someone help me arrange my thoughts? Alot to think about..cryz, work, freelance, heart....faintz.

No more energy left after work, still have to work on my freelance, sometimes just wish that i could slack non-stop for a month without having to think of any work...have to finish a mockup by today...no interest in it..how to produce good work??

Maybe i'll sing a song everyday tt fits my moods, ha, wait and c! For anti-xuan songs blog readers, please turn down ur volume when u come into my site e next time k! puiz.

Forever Dreaming.

I screwed up BIG TIME. Yep, talking about the competition at ARK. The countless times of my attempted brainwashing didn't succeed, my stage fright virus was just too hard to combat with, however hard i try. Why is it that i dun get stage fright in my countless dance performances? or even with my violin performances. I guess i view singing in front of total strangers as something tts different from dance and violin, and i FREAKED OUT.

7pm at ARK...what i did unconsciously-->
drank astonishingly huge amounts of warm water provided by ARK.

what i couldn't control myself from doing--->
--> knees shaking
--> dry throat
--> aimless talking
--> getting worried as ourr turn to sing was getting nearer, we were number 7 in e total number of 12 grps.

guess this is what u call extreme stage phobia.

Guess what? e worst happened, Yuhua sang e lst part of nu ren shuo beautifully, then...when i open my mouth to sing, wat i heard was a dry, trembling mousey voice struggling with the upbeat music, and i suspect my voice cracked somewhere in e middle of e verse!! omigod...what is coming over me? i faint. I tried again, opened my mouth wider, but the volume of my voice did not increase, and it went out of tune!!!!! when theres a part where the melody turns upwards into a falsetto... i can swear that i have heard this miserable kind of voice in e failures of Singapore IDOL, faintz, maybe this is why so many of them are so horrible sounding, due to stage fright. I dun even recall having a horrible voice like tt, its like i've been possessed, sighz.
Finalli e nightmare ended...applause greeted my miserable performance, well think all e applause was Yuhua's credit, think she don't have problems singing in front of strangers.

I was so damn upset, tts not even my voice, my mind was screaming...i don't want people to remember me with that voice! no way! Was in a daze...then suddenly i just felt so miserable...all my efforts practising in e nights after work...getting scolded by mom for disturbling e dead as a result...ALL EFFORTS DOWN THE DRAIN, cos of wat??? my damn.... spastic....ridiculous stage fright...when i have ample stage experiences. I comforted myself "No lah...this is my lst time singing in a competition....i will get better as i go along.....go halls to sing so tt i can get over this phobia....shouldn be afraid to express my voice in front of people...slowly....."

As expected we didn get in...all thanks to me lor :X
Half of e 12 grps got in...we didnt even get in....cos of me....and i could have swore that i sang better then most of the gals....when offstage...so miserable...was oblivious to Yuhua's chatter and questions, yup, she knows tt i was down in e dumps already..

Said goodbye to them ...they went off for a freelance project...raining and cold, it was e perfect compliment to my mood...was nearing chinatown point when i felt realli bad...had to pour my heart out to someone at least...stupid cousin didn't reply my sms till much later...i called my mom and told her that i did not get in...tears gushed out so did all my disappointment, unfullfilled performance expectations, indignant-nity of my unexplained failure, as my mom comforted me, my sobs got louder..and i was standing in front of swensen's outside chinatown point, think i attracted lots of curious looks by passerbys...they must think tt i'm some kinda loony sobbing over some messed up relationship over e phone, think i realli looked e part lor! Guess i just cannot bring myself to express my emotions in front of even my close friends...my "stoned" or "cheery" mask would be always on, its inborn and partly cos of e way pple are brought up, just like some pple said. Hey! this is e same thing that had caused my failure in e competiton...inability to express myself in front of people! Oh dear...:(

Having swollen eyes e size of a toad, i still didn stop sobbing...its just uuncontrollable, i just had to let all out, my mask couldn hold any longer, my mom was getting worried cos i just couldn stop ...to put her at ease..i gulped down my sobs and told her tt i'm fine..just then a guy with realli short spikey hair walked past, and glanced at me, being so down, i just coudnt help myself but glare back at him, "stare wat stare, haven u seen pple cry on e streets???" was my intented message to him. Guess i sent e wrong message again...i was heading down to e ctrl when this guy followed me...and stopped me...."Hey are u all right? U seem very unhappy...i was suprised at his question cos hes a total stranger! i hastily gulp back an oncoming sob and muttered "yea, i'm better now, thanks.." guess my politeness was once again mistaken..and he got bolder"Are u from China?" And i was like"What the shit??? I looked like a china girl???? Pls go and die! this is an insult to me! I'm 100% homegrown Singaporean! nvr had i felt so "loyal" lol. Hes a China guy, can tell from his accent. sighz. so suay. "Izzit convenient to leave me ur number?" So his "kindness" was just a smokescreen... that spastic smiley toad. I uttered a short "nope" and turned away. So suay, all this happened on 29th Sept. Might strike 4d sometime later with 2909, gonna buy lor, lol.

On the train, tears kept spilling out, curious stares keep bothering me, i kept my head down, and used my ipod to drown out all thoughts in my mind. I swear to overcome my phobia at any cause. Yea.

I had a dream,
where i was standing on a stage.
Enjoying my moment,
stripped of my fear,
The applauses were loud,
the cheers were clear,

But all this stopped
When i came back to reality

Do you have to wake me up from this dream
Must i really leave this dream.
That is so full of hope
It seems like heaven.

Do you have to wake me up from this dream
Must i really leave this dream.
This is just so perfect
that even in my dream,
i knew it was a dream.

All the colours and cheers, the shouts and screams
Turned into an overwhelming silence
So quiet tt i was forced awake

What does it take to be there again...
What does it take...to be..to be dreaming forever?
I wanna live like this forever.

Wrote this sometime ago, and guess it does really convey my heartfelt thoughts right at this moment.